1
00:00:01,550 --> 00:00:06,850
But Sunday morning is only for the
black.

2
00:00:07,730 --> 00:00:14,429
And the sacred moments of silliness are
where I find

3
00:00:14,430 --> 00:00:15,480
my heaven.

4
00:00:15,970 --> 00:00:18,770
Where I find my heaven.

5
00:00:19,530 --> 00:00:21,970
Where I find my heaven.

6
00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:39,370
Just around a minute.

7
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,820
Mmm. You've got a beautiful palm here,
Maureen.

8
00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:46,180
Line of the heart, deep and clear.

9
00:00:46,500 --> 00:00:48,140
Sign of sensuality, that is.

10
00:00:48,580 --> 00:00:52,060
And here, your Mount of Venus is all
plump and fleshy and swollen.

11
00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:57,619
You're capable of great passion,
Maureen. And bloody hell, you've only

12
00:00:57,620 --> 00:01:00,930
star on your Mount of Venus. That's
rare. I've never seen one before.

13
00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:05,740
Oh, that means you love shagging and
you're really good at it. Am I?

14
00:01:06,570 --> 00:01:07,830
Of course not, you cretin.

15
00:01:08,110 --> 00:01:09,190
It's in my technique.

16
00:01:09,191 --> 00:01:12,049
Oh. Well, I didn't realise you believed
that stuff.

17
00:01:12,050 --> 00:01:12,949
I don't.

18
00:01:12,950 --> 00:01:14,090
Astrology is bollocks.

19
00:01:14,630 --> 00:01:18,610
Fortune telling is tossed, and
palmistry's for skunk pussies, right?

20
00:01:19,210 --> 00:01:24,090
We know that we men, but girls, girls
and shirtlifters, they really believe

21
00:01:24,170 --> 00:01:27,690
So I reckon if I read girls' palms,
they'll let me shag them. You get it?

22
00:01:28,670 --> 00:01:29,720
No, not really.

23
00:01:30,630 --> 00:01:33,230
Loser. So what does my palm really say,
then?

24
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,690
Look at the way you get to hold the
girl's hand.

25
00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:41,750
Have I really got a star on my... what
is it? Mount Athena.

26
00:01:42,380 --> 00:01:43,430
No, mate.

27
00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:45,660
You haven't even got a Mount Athena.

28
00:01:47,140 --> 00:01:48,190
Hi, Matt.

29
00:01:48,191 --> 00:01:52,779
Hey, Matt, try your palm thing out on
Mandy. He's got this new thing he does.

30
00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:54,890
reads girls' palms and then he shags
them.

31
00:01:54,891 --> 00:02:00,219
Actually, if it doesn't work on Mandy,
you're a bit stuck, aren't you? No.

32
00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:02,379
Well, you are, because where do we get
girls from?

33
00:02:02,380 --> 00:02:03,580
Well, it's not a problem.

34
00:02:04,620 --> 00:02:07,330
I suppose you could put an ad in the
South London Press.

35
00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:10,479
Mythic maths specialist in palm readings
and shags.

36
00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:14,310
Or you could just try going outside and
meeting girls.

37
00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:18,859
You know, last year, for a few days
after you met that ginger student, you

38
00:02:18,860 --> 00:02:19,910
almost normal.

39
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:21,760
I don't know why you chucked her.

40
00:02:24,580 --> 00:02:28,520
Do you want to come out for a drink?
Out. What?

41
00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:31,300
Out. Out. Out. Out.

42
00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:35,020
She was insane.

43
00:02:43,131 --> 00:02:49,939
Stay while I have my tea. Oh, I can't,
Matt. I've got to go to work. God, you

44
00:02:49,940 --> 00:02:52,959
think of nothing but yourself, self,
self, don't you? Your own happiness,

45
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:54,620
own comfort, your own pleasure.

46
00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:57,820
I used to think about Claire's pleasure.

47
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,460
Her pleasure was my pleasure, actually.

48
00:03:01,930 --> 00:03:05,570
Used to make these little happy squeaks
when I... I remember.

49
00:03:07,070 --> 00:03:08,120
Mandy remembers.

50
00:03:09,310 --> 00:03:11,170
Dennis and Ursula next door remember.

51
00:03:11,171 --> 00:03:15,849
Yeah, but it's finished now. She's out
of my life forever and I'm completely

52
00:03:15,850 --> 00:03:16,900
over her.

53
00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:21,630
Couldn't be more over Claire if she was
a hurdle and I was Sally Gunnell.

54
00:03:23,290 --> 00:03:25,630
Forget about Claire, Mark.

55
00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:27,510
You were too good for her anyway.

56
00:03:28,380 --> 00:03:30,240
Good riddance to the bitch, eh, mate?

57
00:03:30,660 --> 00:03:31,710
Yeah, right.

58
00:03:33,420 --> 00:03:34,470
Good riddance.

59
00:03:35,100 --> 00:03:39,080
Yeah, I suppose she was a bit... not all
that nice sometimes.

60
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:43,040
Yeah. She was just a warty old tart,
really, eh, mate?

61
00:03:43,820 --> 00:03:45,840
About as sexy as snot, right?

62
00:03:46,500 --> 00:03:50,200
I don't know what you saw in the putrid
slut, to be honest with you.

63
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:54,959
Yeah, you're better off without the
bandy -legged, pot -bellied, sewage

64
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,100
-breathed old dog.

65
00:04:00,579 --> 00:04:02,100
£3 .50 for the Clare box.

66
00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:05,460
£50? What is 50p?

67
00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:07,300
You know the rules, mate.

68
00:04:07,301 --> 00:04:11,079
50p, I mention. You've been going on and
on and on about it ever since you came

69
00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:12,130
in here.

70
00:04:14,470 --> 00:04:21,219
I've done the minutes of the gravel
committee and I've finished all the

71
00:04:21,220 --> 00:04:22,960
you gave me. Is there anything else?

72
00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:24,210
No.

73
00:04:24,860 --> 00:04:25,910
Not just now.

74
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:32,670
Actually, I haven't really got anything
to do myself.

75
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:36,570
I feel an absolute twit having a
secretary.

76
00:04:38,780 --> 00:04:40,280
Don't really need one, you see.

77
00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:44,920
But Father thinks I ought to, so there
it is.

78
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:49,170
Right, well, if you think of anything,
I'll be waiting.

79
00:04:50,060 --> 00:04:51,110
Yes.

80
00:04:52,540 --> 00:04:57,520
Oh, there is one personal letter you
could type for me, if you wouldn't mind.

81
00:05:00,170 --> 00:05:03,410
I'd write it by hand, but my
handwriting's totally illegible.

82
00:05:04,910 --> 00:05:07,020
Seven years at Eton and I can barely
write.

83
00:05:08,490 --> 00:05:09,550
Damn shame, really.

84
00:05:10,750 --> 00:05:14,720
Probably too busy flogging each other
and having masturbation competitions.

85
00:05:17,130 --> 00:05:18,180
Sorry.

86
00:05:18,470 --> 00:05:20,390
Sorry, that was a terrible thing to say.

87
00:05:21,230 --> 00:05:23,110
No, not at all.

88
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:26,580
It's just I've never heard a girl say
masturbation.

89
00:05:27,110 --> 00:05:28,970
Well, I know far ruder words than that.

90
00:05:33,390 --> 00:05:34,440
Take a letter.

91
00:05:34,790 --> 00:05:35,840
Right, yes.

92
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,050
It's to Mr Bostic.

93
00:05:41,190 --> 00:05:46,690
Dear Mr Bostic, I'm writing to apologise
for Kevin's behaviour last weekend.

94
00:05:47,830 --> 00:05:51,440
It was his birthday on Saturday and I'm
afraid he drank a lot of Guinness.

95
00:05:52,450 --> 00:05:56,470
Anyway, I enclosed a cheque for £1 ,000
to cover damage to your helicopter.

96
00:05:58,490 --> 00:06:00,610
Kevin is usually a very well -behaved
pig.

97
00:06:01,100 --> 00:06:03,810
And I will try to ensure that she
doesn't escape again.

98
00:06:03,900 --> 00:06:04,950
Yours sincerely.

99
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:06,970
Kevin's a pig?

100
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:08,730
Yeah.

101
00:06:09,980 --> 00:06:12,700
I keep a couple at our place in
Berkshire.

102
00:06:13,700 --> 00:06:17,979
Wanted to be a pig farmer when I left
the Marines, but father wouldn't hear of

103
00:06:17,980 --> 00:06:19,360
it, that it was undignified.

104
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:22,520
Horses would have been all right, but
pigs?

105
00:06:24,540 --> 00:06:28,270
Damn shame, really, because I'm far
better with pigs than I am with people.

106
00:06:28,740 --> 00:06:30,240
Oh, you don't seem too bad to me.

107
00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:33,990
You haven't tried to have sex with me on
your desk once.

108
00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:38,330
It's just that's what a lot of my bosses
are like.

109
00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:40,820
I had no idea secretarial work was so
varied.

110
00:06:42,740 --> 00:06:43,790
It's a living hell.

111
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:47,440
You see, what I really wanted to do was
be a novelist.

112
00:06:47,700 --> 00:06:49,930
In fact, I'm writing a novel in my spare
time.

113
00:06:49,931 --> 00:06:54,139
It's about this girl who's a secretary,
and all of these men keep falling madly

114
00:06:54,140 --> 00:06:56,879
in love with her, which ultimately leads
to their destruction.

115
00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:59,920
In a way, it's a kind of modern take on
the Helen of Troy myth.

116
00:06:59,921 --> 00:07:04,089
Written in a stream of consciousness
style, though, with a sort of Tolstoyan

117
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:05,140
feel.

118
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:03,700
My name, Matthew Malone, and that's my
phone number printed underneath.

119
00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:08,699
It's in Gothic typeface, which is quite
hard to read, so I've written everything

120
00:08:08,700 --> 00:08:09,750
on the back clear.

121
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:12,810
Thanks.

122
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:16,590
So is this where Amanda Wilkins lives?
Yeah, but she's not in right now.

123
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,960
You can come and wait if you like.

124
00:08:26,410 --> 00:08:30,369
I bet you think I'm just saying that
because I fancy you, don't you? Well,

125
00:08:30,370 --> 00:08:34,690
not. I mean, I do fancy you, but I'm not
just saying that.

126
00:08:35,270 --> 00:08:39,230
I can tell by your hand that you're a
deeply sexy person.

127
00:08:40,049 --> 00:08:41,309
Oh, thank you.

128
00:08:42,390 --> 00:08:43,850
You're so handsome.

129
00:08:44,930 --> 00:08:49,349
I don't normally shag bears, but I don't
know. There's something cute about your

130
00:08:49,350 --> 00:08:50,400
butt.

131
00:09:17,770 --> 00:09:20,750
Shagging your bear? I was not shagging
my bear!

132
00:09:21,790 --> 00:09:23,900
So this is about Matt shagging your
bear?

133
00:09:23,901 --> 00:09:27,449
Nothing! There was no shagging, there
was no bear, and I'd like to know where

134
00:09:27,450 --> 00:09:28,229
tea is.

135
00:09:28,230 --> 00:09:29,280
Here it is, Matt.

136
00:09:32,710 --> 00:09:34,510
Is it the panda or the old teddy bear?

137
00:09:35,790 --> 00:09:37,350
You two are thick.

138
00:09:38,410 --> 00:09:39,460
Come on, guys.

139
00:09:39,570 --> 00:09:41,920
Can you honestly see me shagging a teddy
bear?

140
00:09:45,111 --> 00:09:52,119
OK, you weren't shagging your bear. You
would never do anything weird and

141
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,710
perverted like that because you're just
so normal.

142
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:59,340
Here, some woman came round, Tess
Freeman.

143
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:00,980
She even waited for a bit.

144
00:10:01,660 --> 00:10:02,860
What's the matter, man?

145
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,490
Tess Freeman from Cooper and Stebbing?
Yeah.

146
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,010
That's it, then.

147
00:10:09,780 --> 00:10:12,670
She's quite attractive for someone so
large, isn't she?

148
00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:14,560
What, is she a wrestler or something?

149
00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:16,880
No, she's a debt collector.

150
00:10:17,930 --> 00:10:19,010
It's a relief, in a way.

151
00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:22,090
I always knew they'd catch up with me,
and now they have.

152
00:10:23,030 --> 00:10:24,080
Oh, well.

153
00:10:25,410 --> 00:10:26,460
Ah!

154
00:10:27,110 --> 00:10:31,170
Are you in some sort of trouble, Matt?

155
00:10:32,970 --> 00:10:35,250
I owe credit card companies £9 ,000.

156
00:10:35,590 --> 00:10:37,760
Bloody hell, what do you spend all that
on?

157
00:10:38,550 --> 00:10:40,170
Clothes, chocolate, champagne.

158
00:10:42,270 --> 00:10:45,340
I've been living with you two. I had to
cheer myself up somehow.

159
00:10:49,770 --> 00:10:51,030
God, what am I going to do?

160
00:10:51,990 --> 00:10:53,210
Go to prison, probably.

161
00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:55,750
Oh, he's right, Martin.

162
00:10:56,130 --> 00:10:57,870
I probably will have to go to prison.

163
00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:01,580
I'd better get used to the idea of going
to the bog in a bucket.

164
00:11:02,930 --> 00:11:06,709
Yeah, I was thinking, if ever I got into
serious debt, I could become a rent

165
00:11:06,710 --> 00:11:07,760
boy.

166
00:11:09,430 --> 00:11:10,990
Maybe a last resort, obviously.

167
00:11:11,930 --> 00:11:15,120
There's a chap at work who told me I've
quite a demand for my type.

168
00:11:16,170 --> 00:11:17,830
Ginger choir boy, he calls it.

169
00:11:17,831 --> 00:11:21,599
I'm not sure he knows all this, the chap
at work.

170
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,010
Usually just talks about foreign
settlements.

171
00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:26,940
Have very pert buttocks, apparently.

172
00:11:28,060 --> 00:11:30,530
Something the punters are particularly
keen on.

173
00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:34,820
Probably won't happen.

174
00:11:36,380 --> 00:11:38,550
God, where am I going to find nine big
ones?

175
00:11:39,340 --> 00:11:43,659
If you do go to prison, you will tell us
exactly what goes on in there, won't

176
00:11:43,660 --> 00:11:47,560
you? Tell me all the details about what
the women get up to with each other.

177
00:11:49,020 --> 00:11:52,560
In the showers, we were so lathering
each other up.

178
00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:55,040
Gently at first, then more vigorously.

179
00:11:56,300 --> 00:12:01,120
A stern but strangely attractive guard
comes in and finds them. Shut up, Matt!

180
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:04,180
I can't go to prison.

181
00:12:04,181 --> 00:12:07,379
It's all right, Mark will come and visit
you, won't you, Mark? Yeah, yeah, I'll

182
00:12:07,380 --> 00:12:09,000
smuggle you in a file up my jacksy.

183
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:11,920
They smuggle the file in a cake.

184
00:12:12,180 --> 00:12:13,980
They put their drugs up their jacksy.

185
00:12:19,980 --> 00:12:21,660
what you've done, you ginger fool.

186
00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:35,360
Do you think she'll stop soon?

187
00:12:37,140 --> 00:12:38,190
No.

188
00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:39,399
She better.

189
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:40,780
EastEnders is on in a minute.

190
00:12:46,420 --> 00:12:48,440
You're in finance, Mark.

191
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:50,760
Helper, give us some financial advice.

192
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,960
What would that Turkish tosser at the
bank say?

193
00:12:54,260 --> 00:12:55,310
Oh, yeah, good idea.

194
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:57,200
Yeah, what would Wally Bazum say?

195
00:12:57,201 --> 00:13:03,619
No, that's no good. I just can't aspire
to think like Wally Bazum. Don't mean

196
00:13:03,620 --> 00:13:04,670
too high, Matt.

197
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:07,330
No,

198
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,090
you. I'm going to take charge of the
situation.

199
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:12,759
Have we got some smelling salts?

200
00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:13,539
I don't think so.

201
00:13:13,540 --> 00:13:16,010
We've got some salt. Well, that'll do.
Go and get it.

202
00:13:19,230 --> 00:13:21,730
Mandy, I want you to lie down.

203
00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:24,970
I don't want you to be frightened.

204
00:13:25,470 --> 00:13:26,790
You're still in shock.

205
00:13:27,730 --> 00:13:31,010
I'm going to make you better by giving
you the kiss of life.

206
00:13:32,210 --> 00:13:36,190
Oh, she bit me.

207
00:13:36,410 --> 00:13:38,370
I don't know where my lost tetanus was.

208
00:13:38,930 --> 00:13:40,030
Shit, my heart.

209
00:13:40,270 --> 00:13:41,990
I can feel my jaw locking already.

210
00:13:42,490 --> 00:13:46,629
A glass of water? I don't want a glass
of water. I've got an aversion to water.

211
00:13:46,630 --> 00:13:47,770
She's giving me rabies.

212
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:50,660
Just sprinkle it on her.

213
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:57,279
We don't bite people in this country.
It's just one of those little unspoken

214
00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:58,760
rules. No biting.

215
00:13:58,761 --> 00:14:00,159
You feeling better now, man?

216
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:01,210
No, I'm not.

217
00:14:01,860 --> 00:14:03,780
Hey, man, I've just thought your novel.

218
00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:06,230
You'll get some money for that, won't
you?

219
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:08,240
I haven't got a little way to go yet.

220
00:14:10,460 --> 00:14:14,250
It's not my fault. Nobody could write a
novel living in this place of torment.

221
00:14:14,740 --> 00:14:15,790
I've written a novel.

222
00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:18,930
Well, it's not really a novel, it's
just...

223
00:14:18,990 --> 00:14:22,240
I've written down a few of my thoughts
and feelings about Claire.

224
00:14:23,170 --> 00:14:24,670
I'll read you a bit, if you like.

225
00:14:28,010 --> 00:14:31,070
Claire Teresa Deirdre Monaghan. That's
the title.

226
00:14:32,510 --> 00:14:34,390
My perfect summer with Claire.

227
00:14:34,590 --> 00:14:35,690
That's the subtitle.

228
00:14:37,330 --> 00:14:41,410
To my beloved Claire, who inspired this
book and turned me from a boy to a man.

229
00:14:41,830 --> 00:14:42,880
That's a dedication.

230
00:14:44,510 --> 00:14:47,040
Thanks to Claire Monaghan for being so
beautiful.

231
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,160
That's the acknowledgement.

232
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:50,720
Right, now the first chapter.

233
00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:55,639
The very first time I saw Claire...
Sorry, mate. I just, er...

234
00:14:55,640 --> 00:15:00,420
Right.

235
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:03,380
Just the one left today, is it?

236
00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:04,890
Yeah.

237
00:15:06,860 --> 00:15:08,360
Doesn't seem enough, does it?

238
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:12,210
I really should generate more work than
that on my salary.

239
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,520
I earn an absolute fortune, you know.

240
00:15:15,690 --> 00:15:17,490
You could save it up for your pig farm.

241
00:15:17,910 --> 00:15:19,490
Maybe. Why not?

242
00:15:19,491 --> 00:15:22,109
You're old enough to choose what you
want to do.

243
00:15:22,110 --> 00:15:24,809
I mean, what would happen if you decided
to leave the company? It couldn't be

244
00:15:24,810 --> 00:15:25,860
that awful.

245
00:15:26,230 --> 00:15:28,150
My family would never speak to me again.

246
00:15:28,750 --> 00:15:30,370
Maybe you don't like them anyway.

247
00:15:31,130 --> 00:15:33,600
They wouldn't let me see our old
Labrador, Jinty.

248
00:15:34,050 --> 00:15:36,340
You'd buy a brand new puppy for your new
start.

249
00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:40,080
I'd lose my inheritance, which is worth
about four million.

250
00:15:41,030 --> 00:15:42,080
Not so bad here.

251
00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:45,970
Maybe I should forget about the money.

252
00:15:46,250 --> 00:15:48,230
I mean, how important is money, anyway?

253
00:15:49,130 --> 00:15:54,469
You know, Tom Plain, I envy the wage
slave who earned just enough to lead a

254
00:15:54,470 --> 00:15:58,490
pleasant, fulfilling life without the
pressure of an inheritance to worry

255
00:15:59,370 --> 00:16:01,770
Their lives must have a charming
simplicity.

256
00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:03,720
Bollocks.

257
00:16:05,070 --> 00:16:08,710
Sorry, Archie, but it's not pleasant and
fulfilling at all.

258
00:16:09,450 --> 00:16:13,030
It's a horrible daily grind of menial
jobs. There's never enough money.

259
00:16:13,660 --> 00:16:18,639
I mean, before you know it, you could
quite easily find yourself £9 ,342 .71

260
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:19,690
debt.

261
00:16:20,620 --> 00:16:22,910
At least I imagine that's what it must
be like.

262
00:16:24,020 --> 00:16:25,070
I'm sorry.

263
00:16:25,300 --> 00:16:27,340
Have you got financial problems, Mandy?

264
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:28,930
Me?

265
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:32,650
No, I wasn't talking about me just then.
I'm absolutely fine.

266
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:35,580
Right, I'll go and type this up pronto.

267
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:42,730
Man, I need to speak to you about
something.

268
00:16:43,850 --> 00:16:47,160
I didn't want to say it in front of Matt
because it's a bit personal.

269
00:16:47,410 --> 00:16:48,850
Can't you understand, Mark?

270
00:16:49,110 --> 00:16:50,970
I've got my own problems at the moment.

271
00:16:51,210 --> 00:16:55,369
I've got time to listen to you whinging
on about Claire's heavenly sun -kissed

272
00:16:55,370 --> 00:16:56,630
bosoms today, all right?

273
00:16:57,210 --> 00:16:58,260
It's not about that.

274
00:17:00,070 --> 00:17:03,330
I just want to say I've got £5 ,000 I
could lend you if you want.

275
00:17:05,150 --> 00:17:06,200
£5 ,000?

276
00:17:06,490 --> 00:17:07,540
Yeah.

277
00:17:07,670 --> 00:17:10,910
I was saving up for me and Claire in
case she ever came back to me.

278
00:17:11,829 --> 00:17:13,389
Doesn't look as if she ever will.

279
00:17:14,250 --> 00:17:16,849
If she's out of my life for good, I know
that now.

280
00:17:17,530 --> 00:17:18,580
Oh, Mark.

281
00:17:19,569 --> 00:17:20,790
You poor old thing.

282
00:17:21,869 --> 00:17:25,239
Must have been really dreadful having
your heart broken like that.

283
00:17:26,030 --> 00:17:27,590
You've been very brave, though.

284
00:17:29,430 --> 00:17:31,110
So when can I have that five grand?

285
00:17:33,170 --> 00:17:35,230
Two days ago, you said she did live
here.

286
00:17:35,750 --> 00:17:36,800
No, she moved out.

287
00:17:37,330 --> 00:17:38,380
It was very sudden.

288
00:17:39,190 --> 00:17:41,780
Could you give me her forwarding
address, please?

289
00:17:41,850 --> 00:17:43,090
She didn't leave one.

290
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:45,090
I see.

291
00:17:45,380 --> 00:17:48,450
This is where things start to get a bit
unpleasant, Mr Malone.

292
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:49,930
Yeah?

293
00:17:49,931 --> 00:17:53,579
Will you write to your neighbours to see
if they know where Miss Wilkins has

294
00:17:53,580 --> 00:17:54,519
gone?

295
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:56,520
It can get very embarrassing.

296
00:17:56,860 --> 00:17:59,320
No need to be embarrassing me, Tess.

297
00:17:59,321 --> 00:18:02,979
If you hear from her, perhaps you could
give us a ring.

298
00:18:02,980 --> 00:18:05,920
I gave you my card, didn't I? Yep, and I
gave you my card.

299
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:10,280
You have very interesting hands, by the
way, Tess.

300
00:18:10,281 --> 00:18:11,819
I'm sorry?

301
00:18:11,820 --> 00:18:12,870
I'm a palmer.

302
00:18:12,970 --> 00:18:15,530
I read palms. I can't help noticing
people's hands.

303
00:18:15,910 --> 00:18:20,190
You've got very large hands, don't you?
I'm large for a woman.

304
00:18:20,530 --> 00:18:22,370
I bet you've got a good firm grip.

305
00:18:24,350 --> 00:18:25,450
I'm quite strong.

306
00:18:26,090 --> 00:18:29,760
Why don't you come in for a cup of tea
and I'll give you a complete reading?

307
00:18:30,130 --> 00:18:31,180
No, thanks. I'm busy.

308
00:18:31,181 --> 00:18:32,329
Free of charge.

309
00:18:32,330 --> 00:18:35,400
Look, mate, I don't believe in palmistry
or any of that stuff.

310
00:18:35,410 --> 00:18:36,850
I think it's a load of rubbish.

311
00:18:37,190 --> 00:18:38,290
But you're a girl.

312
00:18:39,130 --> 00:18:41,190
All girls believe it. It's genetic.

313
00:18:42,460 --> 00:18:43,510
I don't.

314
00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:45,550
I get it.

315
00:18:46,300 --> 00:18:47,350
Both hands.

316
00:18:48,300 --> 00:18:50,180
You're a sex change, isn't you?

317
00:18:51,940 --> 00:18:54,840
Oh, sorry, mate. I wouldn't have come on
to you if I'd known.

318
00:18:56,020 --> 00:18:58,970
When you had your knob chopped off, did
you feel like that?

319
00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:04,780
What's it feel like? Something like
this, I imagine.

320
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,240
I'm not a transsexual.

321
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:17,090
Mate.

322
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:23,280
You've got a beautiful palm here, Mandy.

323
00:19:24,460 --> 00:19:28,979
And... Something incredible's just
happened. Yeah, later, Mark. I'm reading

324
00:19:28,980 --> 00:19:34,420
man's palm. You know, Mark, reading her
palm... Claire rang me at the office.

325
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,360
Claire actually rang me.

326
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:44,770
Um...

327
00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:49,440
I'm clear, ain't me?

328
00:19:49,441 --> 00:19:50,679
Well, what did she want?

329
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,019
She wanted the Boris' money.

330
00:19:52,020 --> 00:19:54,879
She's been off work for a bit and she's
got herself into debt, so I immediately

331
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:57,180
wrote out a cheque and sent it off to
her.

332
00:19:57,181 --> 00:20:00,059
Of course that doesn't affect the money
you were going to lend me, does it,

333
00:20:00,060 --> 00:20:01,200
Martin? Of course not!

334
00:20:02,460 --> 00:20:03,510
Well, it does a bit.

335
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,910
Actually, I can't lend you the full
amount any longer.

336
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:09,940
I can let you have 25 quid. No!

337
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:11,290
Stop!

338
00:20:11,399 --> 00:20:15,459
What, are you going back out with her,
are you? No, not exactly. She can't see

339
00:20:15,460 --> 00:20:18,259
me at the moment because her life's very
complicated, but she'll be in touch

340
00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:19,310
again soon.

341
00:20:19,940 --> 00:20:22,770
I think this might be the turning point
for me and Claire.

342
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:27,980
I think maybe she still loves me.

343
00:20:33,940 --> 00:20:34,990
Cosser.

344
00:20:43,020 --> 00:20:48,519
Did you a big favour yesterday, man,
getting that Freeman so -called woman

345
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:49,479
your back?

346
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:50,519
Oh, no, thanks.

347
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:51,620
You should thank me.

348
00:20:52,140 --> 00:20:53,190
I just did.

349
00:20:53,660 --> 00:20:54,860
I mean, thank me.

350
00:20:56,560 --> 00:21:01,899
What? I lied my bollocks off to save
your ungrateful skin, and you haven't

351
00:21:01,900 --> 00:21:05,279
the common decency to let me have one
little shag. I mean, you've shagged

352
00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:07,640
everybody else in the entire cosmos.

353
00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:10,520
And you owe me six months' rent.

354
00:21:11,460 --> 00:21:12,510
Oh.

355
00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:15,170
All right, then.

356
00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:17,370
What?

357
00:21:19,500 --> 00:21:20,740
My room or yours?

358
00:21:22,660 --> 00:21:23,710
Mine.

359
00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:29,780
I don't think you should do it, Matt.

360
00:21:29,781 --> 00:21:32,999
She's very vulnerable at the moment.
You'd be taking advantage.

361
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,050
Yeah, I know.

362
00:21:34,051 --> 00:21:37,759
Actually, Matt, I think she's a bit
unhinged. I mean, look at the way she

363
00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:41,430
bursting into tears all the time. She's
probably got temporary insanity.

364
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:06,240
Perky little chaps, aren't they?

365
00:22:08,620 --> 00:22:09,670
Their nipples.

366
00:22:10,660 --> 00:22:14,100
What are you smiling at?

367
00:22:14,660 --> 00:22:15,710
Nothing.

368
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:18,550
Don't talk about my nipples anymore, all
right?

369
00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:19,890
OK.

370
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:24,770
That two brave little soldiers standing
to attention.

371
00:22:24,900 --> 00:22:25,950
Mandy!

372
00:22:32,821 --> 00:22:38,869
Why don't you take your trousers off so
we can have a look at the sergeant

373
00:22:38,870 --> 00:22:39,920
major?

374
00:22:39,921 --> 00:22:41,549
You're cheating.

375
00:22:41,550 --> 00:22:44,649
You keep talking and putting me off.
You've got to shut up or it's not fair.

376
00:22:44,650 --> 00:22:46,650
OK. OK, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

377
00:22:52,541 --> 00:22:56,949
What's wrong? You seem a little bit
tense, Matt.

378
00:22:56,950 --> 00:22:58,390
Nothing. Completely relaxed.

379
00:23:01,170 --> 00:23:02,220
Mmm.

380
00:23:02,770 --> 00:23:03,820
I can smell you.

381
00:23:04,879 --> 00:23:06,259
Smell quite nice, actually.

382
00:23:07,700 --> 00:23:09,080
It's quite a delicate smell.

383
00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:12,420
It's a bit like earth after it's been
raining.

384
00:23:13,060 --> 00:23:14,110
No?

385
00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:15,920
No, it's more tangy than that.

386
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:18,870
There's definitely a hint of sea breeze
in there, too.

387
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:21,010
Are you saying I've got B .O. or
something?

388
00:23:22,340 --> 00:23:23,390
Eh?

389
00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:25,610
What?

390
00:23:26,460 --> 00:23:28,360
So sexy, don't you think?

391
00:23:41,861 --> 00:23:46,369
in people's armpits and talking about
nipples.

392
00:23:46,370 --> 00:23:49,090
Normal people shag normally like normal
people.

393
00:23:49,091 --> 00:23:50,789
Are you all right in there, Mandy?

394
00:23:50,790 --> 00:23:52,410
Yes, I'm fine, thank you, Martin.

395
00:23:52,470 --> 00:23:53,570
Get out, you pervert!

396
00:24:01,321 --> 00:24:03,309
Didn't do it, then?

397
00:24:03,310 --> 00:24:05,630
No. I didn't feel like it in the end,
mate.

398
00:24:07,410 --> 00:24:09,210
Well, you cheered her up, anyway.

399
00:24:35,389 --> 00:24:36,439
Tess.

400
00:24:37,630 --> 00:24:43,169
Dear Mr. Bostic, I'm very sorry to hear
you think that Kevin may have

401
00:24:43,170 --> 00:24:44,590
impregnated Cleopatra.

402
00:24:46,590 --> 00:24:50,500
He's certainly never been attracted to
golden retrievers in this way before.

403
00:24:52,030 --> 00:24:55,670
It's Cleo's fault. She's always jumping
into his sty and licking him.

404
00:24:56,370 --> 00:24:57,530
Bit of a pig teaser.

405
00:25:00,370 --> 00:25:02,250
Pig teaser.

406
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:06,570
Miss Wilkins?

407
00:25:06,620 --> 00:25:11,319
Yes? Tess Freeman, Cooper and Stebbing.
Acting on behalf of, well, more or less

408
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:13,539
every credit card company in England,
actually.

409
00:25:13,540 --> 00:25:14,590
Now, look here.

410
00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:15,890
Land is at work.

411
00:25:15,891 --> 00:25:19,099
These premises are private property.
I've a letter to deliver to Miss

412
00:25:19,100 --> 00:25:20,150
then I'm done.

413
00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:23,540
I've got to go to court.

414
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:26,210
Wait a moment.

415
00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:30,280
Poo -poo, how much for?

416
00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:32,410
It's all on there.

417
00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:34,650
Archie? Mandy, I won't take an open
answer.

418
00:25:35,700 --> 00:25:40,380
We'll call it a loan, and you can pay it
back when you like.

419
00:25:43,900 --> 00:25:45,760
A pleasure doing business with you.

420
00:25:46,780 --> 00:25:50,090
It's very rare to close a case without
actually beating anyone up.

421
00:25:53,460 --> 00:25:54,540
Please don't be angry.

422
00:25:55,540 --> 00:25:59,939
I knew you'd be far too proud to accept
a loan if I gave you any choice in the

423
00:25:59,940 --> 00:26:00,959
matter.

424
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:02,010
Angry.

425
00:26:03,459 --> 00:26:04,900
Proud? You must be joking.

426
00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:06,700
I'm so happy I could kiss you.

427
00:26:09,860 --> 00:26:12,450
What do you reckon? Am I a better kisser
than Kevin?

428
00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:17,120
Are you all right?

429
00:26:23,900 --> 00:26:25,580
It's just a silly impulse, really.

430
00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:28,390
I suppose he's desperately in love with
me now.

431
00:26:28,620 --> 00:26:30,420
Is he going to be your new boyfriend?

432
00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:31,730
I would be.

433
00:26:32,060 --> 00:26:33,320
He's asked me out on a date.

434
00:26:33,820 --> 00:26:37,550
If I'm going to marry money, I suppose
I'd better do it before I lose my look.

435
00:26:37,551 --> 00:26:40,179
But you wouldn't marry someone just for
the money, would you?

436
00:26:40,180 --> 00:26:41,230
Oh, of course not.

437
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:44,880
Would that be a terrible thing to do?

438
00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:49,559
Speaking for myself, Maddy, it would be,
yeah. But I just couldn't do it with

439
00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:51,300
someone unless I really loved them.

440
00:26:53,660 --> 00:26:54,710
Well, maybe I could.

441
00:26:54,711 --> 00:26:58,579
But I'll be thinking about Claire all
the time, obviously.

442
00:26:58,580 --> 00:26:59,630
Obviously.

443
00:26:59,631 --> 00:27:04,089
Last night I added up all the money you
paid into the Clare book.

444
00:27:04,090 --> 00:27:06,370
Me and Matt have made over a grand each.

445
00:27:07,810 --> 00:27:14,049
That means I've mentioned her on average
about 16 .5 times a day since we split

446
00:27:14,050 --> 00:27:15,330
up. Really?

447
00:27:16,410 --> 00:27:17,510
Seemed like a lot more.

448
00:27:19,170 --> 00:27:20,310
Since you ring me, man.

449
00:27:23,030 --> 00:27:24,080
OK, Wilkins.

450
00:27:24,810 --> 00:27:27,210
Get in that bedroom, I'm ready this
time.

451
00:27:27,231 --> 00:27:31,599
That shag you promised me, I'm ready
this time.

452
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:33,819
It was a once -in -a -lifetime offer,
Matthew.

453
00:27:33,820 --> 00:27:34,870
Yeah, but I'm ready.

454
00:27:35,340 --> 00:27:36,390
Smell that!

455
00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:40,480
It's got an armpit fetish. Drives her
insane.

456
00:27:41,940 --> 00:27:43,360
It was a joke, Matthew.

457
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:46,390
I wouldn't come between you and your
bird.

458
00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:51,730
Where's my rent?

459
00:27:52,360 --> 00:27:53,740
I mean it this time, Mandy.

460
00:27:54,020 --> 00:27:57,030
I want my rent or I'm going to throw you
back out to the gutter.

461
00:27:57,031 --> 00:27:58,299
Certainly, Matt.

462
00:27:58,300 --> 00:28:03,020
Your rent's over there, all 1 ,250
quid's worth. My share of the clay box

463
00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:09,180
Sorry it's building 50p.

464
00:28:10,620 --> 00:28:14,560
Still, you could always go out to the
bank tomorrow to change it, couldn't

465
00:28:14,610 --> 00:28:19,160
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